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Bad Roommates

5 Signs You're the Worst Roommate in the History of Roommates

It’s really easy to cast stones at other people, especially our roommates. Familiarity breeds contempt, and contempt seems to breed a feeling that we are somehow free of any and all blame in any and all situations.

Most of us assume that we are more or less perfect and that all of our problems are of someone else’s making. Unfortunately, the truth is that most of us are actually pretty similar. Sometimes we fail to put the seat down. Sometimes we leave every single light on in the house even though we’re asleep. Sometimes we get drunk and pass out in the lawn, only to be awoken by our roommate’s parents arriving for Sunday brunch.

These things happen. In isolation, they’re pretty harmless. When patterns begin to emerge, however, it’s time for a little self-reflection.

It’s likely that you are guilty of one or more of the transgressions listed below. Don’t worry about it. We’ve all been there. However, if these behaviors don’t seem that odd to you, you’re probably in the short running for the worst roommate in the history of roommates.

5. You’re Dirty (Like, Physically): Even the most ardent germophobes miss the occasional shower, but if you can’t be bothered to wash your butt and your “no-no zone” at least a few times a week, your problems go beyond simply being a crappy roommate: you’re actually a disgusting, filthy animal. Your parents should be ashamed, and you shouldn’t be allowed in public. Scrub your butt. Soak them uglies. Brush your teeth. Clean out your ears. Wash your hair. This isn’t complicated people. Your stench is repulsive, and you need to handle your business with the quickness.

4. You’re a Slob: Chances are that if you don’t care about your physical hygiene, you damn sure don’t care about the cleanliness of your living space. If you want to be a slob, be a slob in your own space. Not the living room. Not the kitchen. And especially not the bathroom! These shared living spaces are sacred and should be treated with respect. Nobody wants to empty out your cereal bowls or clean your pubes out of the sink. Do unto roommates as thou would have done unto thyself.

3. You’re an Asshole: This isn’t like, “Oh, I got drunk and acted a fool.” This is like you’re a perpetual downer that finds no joy in life other than putting other people down or manipulating them. Even if you are incapable of taking advantage of this alarmingly brief and precious life, that’s no excuse to suck the happiness out of other people’s souls. It’s really not that hard to just be a decent person. Treat others with respect. Don’t steal their stuff. Abstain from violence. And feed your roommate’s cat when they’re out of town. Who knows? Maybe you’ll turn out to be a decent human being after all!

2. You’re a Hoe: The last thing we would ever do would be to discriminate against safe, consensual sex, but if you’re putting your roomie in an awkward position with your promiscuous little ass, that’s another story altogether. This goes double for those of you who are out there cheating on your significant others and asking your friends to cover for you. Not cool, guys. Nothing wrong with getting out there and getting your groove on, but if you’re keeping your roommate up all night or making an unforgivable mess on the couch, it’s time to dial it down a notch… hoe.

1. You’re a Bum: Homelessness is a very serious problem in this country, and we of course sympathize with those less fortunate. However, if you have signed a lease with another person and are unable or are unwilling to abide by the terms of that lease, you really suck at life. You’re an adult, and no one should be expected for covering for your broke ass – including your parents. Get a job, and pay your rent. In addition, buy your roommate dinner or a cup of coffee every now and then. You’ll be shocked by the karmic currency of a large pizza with extra pepperoni.

So let’s flip the script. A simple prescription for not being the worst roommate of all time:

  • Wash your personal filth
  • Wash a dish or two
  • Be nice
  • Bang respectfully
  • Pay Your rent

See! It’s really not that hard. And by the way, you’re welcome.


If you’re looking for a roommate exhibiting none of the qualities above, the best place to begin your search is!